Final Visit?

The last time my brother and I saw Dad was Christmas 2019. Mom last saw him in early March 2020. Dad is isolated in a nursing home. None of the distance visiting methods work for a 97 year old who is mostly blind, profoundly hard of hearing and has dementia. We have called him on the phone a few times but that has not been successful recently. Mom tries to call about once a week. My brother, the schemer, figured that if we made Dad a doctor’s appointment we could ambush him in the doctor’s waiting room. So, he made the appointment. The week before Christmas we had this text exchange:

Mom: I think you should cancel that appointment. If he needed to see the doctor, they would take care of it. You don’t need to be running around down here and getting exposed.

Brother: I would like to see him one last time and say some nice things. And give him his gifts and giant box of candy.

Mom: Why do you think he wouldn’t be around a few months later? I signed the papers for a Covid shot, so they’re expecting to get them soon.

Me: Because he’s 97 and quite frail.

Mom: All of his physical tests are negative. He’s planning to live to 100.

Brother: Then I hope my visit wouldn’t be the last!

As you can see, Mom was in the land of denial. She wanted us to not come until Covid is over. I thought long and hard about whether or not to travel for Christmas. In the end, I decided it would be safe. I had a face shield and mask, disposable gloves for pumping gas. My Covid go bag always has hand sanitizer and wipes. I wasn’t planning to be around a lot of people so I felt I would be almost as safe as I would be here at home. I’m glad I went. We were absolutely stunned and shocked by what we saw when Austin (the transport nurse) wheeled him in.

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  Dad May 4, 2020

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  Dad December 23, 2020

We wonder why they didn’t put shoes on him and put his hearing aids in his ears. It’s one thing to see pictures of someone’s decline over these months on tv but quite another to see it in person. I’m sure he wouldn’t be quite this bad if it weren’t for being isolated since March with little, if any, stimulation. He wasn’t at all alert and we weren’t able to make him understand that we were there. He did perk up for a moment when he heard my brother say “your wife”. Dad said, “My wife? I LOVE HER!” Bill went into the exam room with him because that’s the only way we’d get any useful information. Dad is, or was, 6 feet tall. He now weighs 148 pounds or less – hasn’t been this weight since WWII. His vital signs are ok but he is dwindling or diminishing. I forget which word was used. He’ll soon reach the point where there isn’t anything left to diminish and organs will begin to fail. Bill did get him talking about mom in the exam room but it was all fantasy. He said mom was from Switzerland and on a swim team and some other stuff and somehow they met. I’m sure he spun quite a yarn.

I had plans to visit with my BFF from junior high. Of course, mom threw a wrench into the works. After dad’s appointment I took her over to her doctor’s office for a Prolia shot, then she wanted to get lunch at Arby’s and after that, I had to take her to the hair salon. At one point before I took mom home to her apartment, she quietly said, “I don’t think your father is going to make it to his next birthday.” So, she might be beginning to dwell in the land of reality about the situation and understand why we wanted to come now. A friend who died this year always ended her emails with “We are not promised tomorrow.” I doubt I will ever see my father again.

After I dropped mom off at her facility, I spent about an hour with my friend at her house before heading up to Chicago to my brother’s. I stayed geared up with face shield and mask while at her house.

We only had two things to do while I was at my brother’s. The first was to sell mom’s car. He had the car and all the paperwork but I’m the primary power of attorney so my presence was required to sign all the documents. That took a couple of hours of sitting around CarMax but we got it done. My brother was quite relieved to have that off his shoulders.

Monday night we had tickets for Lightscape at the Chicago Botanic Garden. It’s a 1.25 mile walking outdoor sound and light show. I was able to take a few photos before my phone died. It’s been going dead without warning even when it appears to have plenty of battery left. It was fully charged when I left the house. Will have to get a new one soon.

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The photo on the right doesn’t look as impressive as it is in person. The lights were moving like a waterfall. One installation I would like to have a video of was to the Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies. It was absolutely mesmerizing. I could have watched it for hours. The designer of many, if not all, of the installations was listed as Christopher Wren. My brother asked me, “wasn’t he an architect in England a long time ago?” Obviously, not the same man.

I was supposed to come home on Wednesday (yesterday as I write this) but a storm was moving in so I hightailed it out of Chicago early Tuesday morning. Arrived home around 8 pm that night.

My brother was a Downton Abbey fan while I never saw it. I used to be a great reader of Regency Romances. I had to explain some things to Bill about the history of the period and the typical plot lines while we were binging Bridgerton on Netflix. I got tickled about how eclectic our viewing tastes are. In previous visits we streamed Stranger Things. Not much in common there. This visit we also watched The Midnight Sky, Wonder Woman, and Wonder Woman 84.

Driving from Illinois to Maryland gives one lots of time to think about lots of things. One thought I had was:

Nero may have fiddled while Rome burned but Donald Trump golfed and watched TV while America died.

Tags: Family